Doreen Virtue
Boundaries are part of self-care. They are healthy, normal and necessary.
Brenè Brown: When we fail to set boundaries and fail to keep people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.
What are boundaries?
An invisible line that defines what behaviours are acceptable for an individual.
Alex Howard says we have 3 basic emotional needs:
Safety, love and boundaries
How can you identify your boundaries?
Think about the areas of your life where you are experiencing discomfort. Do you constantly feel exhausted? Do you feel uncomfortable around a co -worker? Do you feel resentful of your mother’s intrusions? Each of these problems is telling you that you’re lacking boundaries in this area of your life.
Sharon Martin defines boundaries for us as follow – which of your boundaries needs attention?
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries tell others how close they can get to you, what kind of physical touch (if any) is okay, how much privacy you need, and how to behave in your personal space. A physical boundary clearly defines that your body and personal space belong to you.
Examples:
When someone sits uncomfortably close to you, you move away or say, I need a little more personal space.
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries protect your right to have your own feelings and thoughts, to not have your feelings criticized or invalidated, and not have to take responsibility of other people’s feelings.
Examples:
I don’t feel comfortable discussing this.
I feel embarrassed and powerless when you chastise me in front of our kids.
Spiritual or Religious Boundaries
Spiritual boundaries protect your right to believe in what you want, worship as you wish, and practice your spiritual or religious beliefs.
Examples:
I’m going to take a moment and say a silent prayer before we eat.
Financial and Material Boundaries
Financial and material boundaries protect your financial resources and possessions, your right to spend your money as you choose, to not give or loan your money or possessions if you don’t want to, and your right to be paid by an employer as agreed.
Examples:
I’m on a budget, so I brought my lunch from home and won’t be ordering lunch today.
Please don’t borrow my car without asking.
Time Boundaries
Time boundaries protect how you spend your time. They protect you from agreeing to do things you don’t want to do, having people waste your time, and being overworked.
Examples:
I reserve my evenings for family time. I’ll respond to all work emails first thing in the morning.
Non-Negotiable Boundaries
Non-negotiable boundaries are deal-breakers, things that you absolutely must have to feel safe. They usually pertain to safety issues such as physical violence, emotional abuse, drug or alcohol use, fidelity, and life-threatening health issues.
Examples:
Mom, if you don’t install a fence around your pool, my children will not be able to come to your house.
Infidelity is a deal-breaker for me and I will not continue in this relationship if you cheat on me.
We all need some non-negotiable boundaries, but we also need to be careful that we don’t put too many of our boundaries into this category. If a non-negotiable boundary is going to have any meaning, you must be willing to follow through on it.
Henry Cloud says Boundaries define us, they define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins. Leading me to a sense of ownership, knowing what I am to own and am responsible for, what gives me freedom.
I do hope that the invisible lines around you will give you more freedom in your physical, emotional, spiritual, financial life areas and give you a bit more time to live your life purpose and help you to say Yes to Joy!
Recommended book: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (Henry Cloud and John Townsend)
by Amanda Swanepoel
