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Shed False Identities

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. Do you sometimes discover that you don’t act according to your true self?

We are shaped by the expectations of the world around us — parents, teachers, our sub-culture, and even the larger society.  The sense of belonging in a young child is so strong that he will give up his true self to be accepted in fear of rejection.  This fear causes an internal pressure that drives you to prove or protect yourself from being hurt, and that leads to the creation of false identities, like being a people-pleaser, or become an overacheiver. These false identities (whether consciously or unconsciously), are not sustainable, as they are based on external validation or survival tactics, not your true authentic self.  Eventually, you then start to feel like you’re living a life that isn’t who you really are, which can lead to burnout, frustration, and a sense of deep dissatisfaction.

I got fascinated by the work of Jamie Winship, world renowned speaker & author of Living Fearless & other works. Together with his wife he is a co-founder of Identity Exchange – to live fearlessly in your true identity.  Winship states that there is a deep connection between fear and the formation of false identities.  Fear tells you something is wrong. The source of fear is a wrong view of yourself, not knowing who you really are, and believing what others say about you.  False identities are then created as defence mechanisms, keeping you from being your true self.  In his words: Fear is God’s invitation for a conversation that leads to transformation. He believes that we need to confront our fears and let go of false identities to experience true freedom. This process involves a deeper understanding of who we really are, apart from the stories we tell ourselves or the roles we have adopted to for approval or to avoid pain. By embracing vulnerability, honesty, and a deeper sense of trust in God, people can start to shed these false identities and step into a more authentic & purposeful life.

My interest in false identities got me into a time of self-reflection about my own life.  It took me some time to identify my false identities as this is a process. In-teres-tingly enough I realised that something that initially started as a pleasure, became a false identity, that I still experience as problematic to this day.

My baby sister was born when I was 8 years old. She was like a doll that came to life for me.  I thoroughly enjoyed nurturing her, but over the years I felt being forced by my parents into the mould of being responsible for the 3 siblings younger than me.  In fear of my parents’ scolding, I took on the false identity of “being the responsible one”.  This has extended to other relationships, so that it has caused a lot of frustration in me, and sometimes even conflict over the years.

It came as a huge liberation for me when I could pin down another false identity that has brought me to the verge of burnout several times in my life already.  This was caused by a very traumatic experience that has become a driving force, pushing me relentlessly into the false identity that I should always be available for anyone that might need attention.  Behind this false identity lies the fear of being self-focused & selfish, instead of other-focused, and showing compassion.

In my process of self-reflection, identifying & shedding false identities the following quote of Brene Brown helped me to confront my fears, embrace vulnerability, and claim my own narrative:  “When we have the courage to walk into our story and own it, we get to write the ending.”  Owning our story doesn’t mean we have to be proud of every chapter or action—it’s about accepting that our experiences, both good and bad, are part of who we are, because they have shaped us.  I don’t have to deny my pain or challenges, but  I can choose how to respond and write my own ending.

What can be signs that we are living false identities?

  1. Feeling disconnected from your true identity, by doing things you “should” do, in fear of disappointing others.
  2. Not acting according to your convictions, to avoid conflict or to fit in.
  3. Allowing past wounds to define who you are, rather than courageously embracing who you were truly meant to be.
  4. Feeling exhausted or overwhelmed by the pressure to conform leading to burnout.

Practical steps to living your true identity

  1. Self-reflection and awareness: Reflect on your true identity – who were you created to be – spend time in solitude to meditate on what truly matters to you. Identify the fears that caused the false identities you’ve been living under.
  2. Challenge external expectations and pressures others impose on you – let go of them!
  3. Learn to release the hold of past wounds on your identity: Healing doesn’t mean forgetting the past, but to learn from it. Choose to live your authentic self.
  4. Embrace vulnerability:
  • Allow yourself to be seen as you truly are – true connection with others comes from being authentic, not by hiding your flaws and weaknesses.
  • Make consistent choices that align with your true
  • Have a heart-to-heart talk with a close friend, that can hold you

In Conclusion

Pursue a life of contemplationconfront false identities to live authentically & to experience true freedom and fulfillment.

Doe Zantamata said:

The freedom to be yourself is a gift only you can give yourself.

But once you do, no one can take it away.

Marlène Badenhorst

BrightStar Facilitator

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